Nov 8, 2020

Giving It All Up

Saurabh Chawla | | | 1 Comments|



Counting and recounting the number of times I failed, it has created a mountain tearing the ceiling of the house I live in. Curse, as they say, It's not bad luck as I don't believe in the bullsh*t of good or bad luck. The reason being the definition of what's good or bad varies from person to person.

They say being lost is common and one can get back. What about a person who has gone for too long and too far? It will take a lifetime to get back. Living the same old life on a daily basis, the problems faced never seem to end. The so-called God sitting above the puny human beings is enjoying the matinee show.

Never-Ending Pain

Aching nights, tracked by the satellites, but I am not received. Looking for ways to collect the broken pieces of my useless life, but it doesn't seem to fix anytime soon coz the pieces are too many.

The fire that originally erupted seems to complete its course and burn out. The cold flame seemingly burning the last time, trying hard to gather the needed air to burn itself again.

Going by the rules, the world seems to spin around endlessly. Trying to grab on a constant spot, but all trials in vain.

The caste, the creed, the religion, the spiritual taking on all that you have got effortlessly. Sleepless nights, endless fights, no one cares if you see the dawn or not.

The Burning Soul

Tried praying, did all the possible activities to please the one sitting above us all even tried sitting in a burning pyre, but it seems that the enjoyment never seems to end and the audience wants more of it.

Pulling the sheet above my eyes, so I can try to sleep tonight, but the constant beats of the drum wakes me up every damn night.

Like a ghost I wander the streets, seeing the smiling faces, happy couples, group of friends dancing in the lounge from a single, lone corner. This is what I also used to do when I was alive.

They say don't let them take you down, but what if I want to drown me slowly?

Wear Me Out Till I Am Dead

No matter how much I try, it's not enough. I see myself in the mirror and I see the mountain of the pain tempting me to climb it up. I so damn wish too but it seems to be 50000 feet high and with one slip, I will be lost in the bottomless abyss to be lost again.

 Sometimes, I pray to keep me adrift, unaffected by whatever happens, but the prayers are the means of entertainment for someone listening to them. It's like a mellifluous song to his ears which he forgot to remove from his player's repeat mode.

Stopped doing the crap I was doing in the past, forced myself to be distracted with the life I once wished for myself only to know that wishes come true only in movies.

The reality is different in the sense that your wishes are controlled by someone else. You can't ever get what you ever wished. In fact, you don't even know what you have to lose to let the genie grant you that wish of yours.

The sands of time will wear you down, killing you from within. Every time you wake up from that deep slumber, you will feel like you have been reborn, reincarnated from what you actually were in the past.

Gain Something, Lose All

I tried gambling, no luck, card games, no luck again. Mediocre, average I have always been. They say do the stuff you are best at, I tried that, only to be left alone with a room full of darkness all around.

No claps, no sound of appreciation, cheerful audience,  I haven't seen any. My mind shouted, TRY AGAIN. I tirelessly give in my best again, gathering the lost pieces along with the ones that are in my immediate sight, only to see the same results again.

I wonder cursing myself would help or curse fate, but neither helps. Now I feel the worst is near, but to keep my dying hopes alive, lose everything I have got, and break down in the shape of things to come.   

Gave It All Up         

Sharpening myself, rubbing every inch on the edge of the stone, I gave myself up a long time ago, it was just the ending flame, before burning out, help me find the dawn of the dying day.

On the sea of grey, I endure the pain, the suffering and the endless torture, I am lost, tired and depraved, I am looking for a ray of light to come from somewhere.

Waited for ages, losing patience, I have convinced myself that you won't be there ever and I have to walk alone, paving my own path only to find you standing at the other end, smiling and taking all the credit of all the things you never did.

Here is another selfless attempt to please you, I am a wreck, I am a mess, I know I screwed it all up, like always, you enjoy seeing me giving it all up.

Nov 7, 2020

Don't Wake Me Up Ever Again

Saurabh Chawla | | | 0 Comments|



"Wake up! It's sunrise." Someone screamed at me in the dawn. In deep slumber, I had no intention to wake up and face the demons of the haunted house again. Life literally plays hide and seek with me and somehow I have also started enjoying it.

Tried a lot to speak out but as I elucidated in my previous post, counting my failures is not my cup of tea anymore because they are too many. Carrying miserable myself everywhere, knocking every door I can to seek refuge, but sometimes life, like the tongue can be betraying.

From dawn to dusk, I do it all over again incessantly every single day. Watching all laugh at the fool called me is no surprise as I have started doing the same, I laugh at myself whenever I do something that doesn't seem to be of this world.

Please me not

The pleasing material I have become, like a puppet with strings held by multiple personalities out there. I try to find myself but all I see is darkness. Hiding, deep down I pray for this misery to end but all my efforts go in vain.

Being the favorite child of the so-called God as I am told every time I am laughed at for that failed attempt to please somebody. I reluctantly inhale the smoke from the fire by burning down the place I once lived in, but still the riot deep inside seems to not end as it decides to move on.

I only realized after closing in on the personalities holding me, it was a disguise and I was being played by God. As my favorite child, I have to please him with every breath I take. No one cares how many times I fall or even if I will wake up or not the next morning, the show must go on.

Admonished every time I try to change my path, I embrace the painful, pitiful journey with a smile on my lips. If he is anywhere listening to me, I am in and would do anything but to please you.

Tie me up

Mundane life seems boring but to have the bread and butter, getting back to the things I do is important to live. No one cars whether I love doing it or not. Think about a lion is left in a green pasture with no one to pounce on.

Anyone can imagine the fate of the lion but no one can feel the pain of the lion. Again, one of the so-called trap laid down by the father called God to tie me down so I am not able to move around. A plea from the favorite child which I know will again fall to deaf ears, tie me so tight that I cannot breathe anymore and leave this stormy world peacefully.

Revelations bring me closer to hell

Digging down deeper in the pages of the book of my worthless life, I enjoy and laugh as I finish every chapter and so wish to be closer to hell. The turmoil drags me down every time I try to keep my eyes off. Solving mysteries, I cannot find the missing clues anywhere.

As life unfolds in front of me, I may have already left for hell seeking refuge from the incessant torture tearing me apart.  I rather not invite you to travel with me on this journey as I like to do it alone all by myself.

Wrapping it up

Ultimately, you are allowed to lay in rest, go wherever you want as you no longer can bear the pain of the torments that you have been through.

Running away from it doesn't work because it is inevitable. I somehow regret being not able to face this sooner when I was absolutely close to the end, so close that I could see it a couple of inches apart.

I may hurt you, but I also feel the pain. Bruised skies bring the rain. It's true that I try really hard, but all my efforts go in vain! 

Think about this when the next time you try to wake me up because i no longer wish to see the dawn of the day.

Nov 6, 2020

I am a Failure

Saurabh Chawla | | 2 Comments|



“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.” This quote by Og Mandion seems like a ray of hope for many out there who are struggling right now or have seen struggle throughout their lives.

Today, I am going to discuss something which I have been pondering over for the last few months. It may seem that I am venting out my frustrations to most of you but I am speaking this from my experiences rather than frustrations. So it's a request to all of you not to judge me by this post or if you do want to frame opinions you are free to do because I have no control over it whatsoever.

Fear All Around

I have never been fearful but lately with the chain of events that has happened in my life recently, fear is the new language I am peaking now. It's not that I am an introvert and can't shout out loud for what I want or need, but it's that I am f**k**g tired of doing that. The voices either fall on deaf ears or are lost somewhere in the noise.

It only reflects back to me when I try to say something. It is like talking to myself or even yelling at myself. I fear, not for me dying as that is evident but what will happen if I have to stay alive another day in a similar hell loop which I even did not create.

I try looking for answers, searching every nook and corner, sometimes wishing to close my eyes and imagine that it never happened. All of this goes in vain and I am back to the same hell loop circling round and round!

Go the Extra Mile, Forever

"You know he got selected for IIT. After completing his graduation, he will be taking admission in the IIM!" "When will you go the extra mile?" The words scream in my ears whenever I see a failure.

I have not traveled that extra mile! No one knows the background and story of my life. All they want is to form an opinion that I don't have that spark or an edge over that guy!

Skills? I don't have any. Work? I can't do it. Payment? I don't deserve it. Serious? No, I can't be. The chain keeps on growing and it never seems to end.

The rookie in me has been dead for almost 6 years now and I have walked  several thousand extra miles towards the end of my life's journey but Karma is a bitch so I am back to square one!

Wondering what's next? I will keep moving forward no matter what and end up again to my starting position, every time. It's a bad habit which I can't get rid of.

Trust Me Never

Life throws a lot of stones at you but it is up to you to convert those stones into flowers. Sometimes, life throws heavy rocks at you. Now, try converting them to flowers! Trust me never my friend, you would love the pain in doing this.

I have faced plenty of betrayals in my life, all of us do right? The point is not about facing the betrayals, it's about how they shape you up.

Betrayals have shaped me better but deep down, the trust is not there. From the outer world, people around to me myself, it's getting harder every single day.

The only hope I have is to keep going which is a dark never ending tunnel that never seems to end.

I try to keep my sanity the way it should be but it gets on my nerves when one mistake in life which I even didn't commit, I have to pay for it every single day. The best part is that I will have to keep paying for it until I die.

All I Have is a Rejection

Endlessly tiring rejections break me down. I don't have the degree from that great institution and yes I may not be that brainy, but with all the power of  my puny brain, I may build out something of importance.

I have heard a lot of "iske bas ki kuch nahi hai" and still hear it, especially from people who were once close to me, every failure draws me to the belief that they were in fact true.  

Endlessly tiring rejections, getting refused straight on the face without reasons, going from the room by room patiently, I wait for you like a stone only to be thrown away one day.

Die the Hard Way

Making up my mind about one thing, I get bogged down by ten others. The problems you can see by looking deep into my eyes. I try hiding behind the curtains or sometimes behind the closed doors, wishing that they never open up.

They say everything happens as written in your destiny. I hear this all the time, incessantly, "Sorry my friend, your destiny is written with cacti, a lot of them."

I don't even fee the thorns now. Maybe they pierced deep within my soul (If I have one). Many personalities I embraced during my not so important life, I embrace the pain of failure that it carries along with it.          

Curse in disguise, walking in the haunted world with the honest ghosts of my own past, waiting for the death to finally strike me.  I am that failure that can never succeed, the disease that can never heal.  

Heading towards a dead end, all I can say is, BRING IT ON!

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