Nov 6, 2020

I am a Failure

Saurabh Chawla | |

 

failure-quote-saurabh-chawla
 

“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.” This quote by Og Mandion seems like a ray of hope for many out there who are struggling right now or have seen struggle throughout their lives.

Today, I am going to discuss something which I have been pondering over for the last few months. It may seem that I am venting out my frustrations to most of you but I am speaking this from my experiences rather than frustrations. So it's a request to all of you not to judge me by this post or if you do want to frame opinions you are free to do because I have no control over it whatsoever.

Fear All Around

I have never been fearful but lately with the chain of events that has happened in my life recently, fear is the new language I am peaking now. It's not that I am an introvert and can't shout out loud for what I want or need, but it's that I am f**k**g tired of doing that. The voices either fall on deaf ears or are lost somewhere in the noise.

It only reflects back to me when I try to say something. It is like talking to myself or even yelling at myself. I fear, not for me dying as that is evident but what will happen if I have to stay alive another day in a similar hell loop which I even did not create.

I try looking for answers, searching every nook and corner, sometimes wishing to close my eyes and imagine that it never happened. All of this goes in vain and I am back to the same hell loop circling round and round!

Go the Extra Mile, Forever

"You know he got selected for IIT. After completing his graduation, he will be taking admission in the IIM!" "When will you go the extra mile?" The words scream in my ears whenever I see a failure.

I have not traveled that extra mile! No one knows the background and story of my life. All they want is to form an opinion that I don't have that spark or an edge over that guy!

Skills? I don't have any. Work? I can't do it. Payment? I don't deserve it. Serious? No, I can't be. The chain keeps on growing and it never seems to end.

The rookie in me has been dead for almost 6 years now and I have walked  several thousand extra miles towards the end of my life's journey but Karma is a bitch so I am back to square one!

Wondering what's next? I will keep moving forward no matter what and end up again to my starting position, every time. It's a bad habit which I can't get rid of.

Trust Me Never

Life throws a lot of stones at you but it is up to you to convert those stones into flowers. Sometimes, life throws heavy rocks at you. Now, try converting them to flowers! Trust me never my friend, you would love the pain in doing this.

I have faced plenty of betrayals in my life, all of us do right? The point is not about facing the betrayals, it's about how they shape you up.

Betrayals have shaped me better but deep down, the trust is not there. From the outer world, people around to me myself, it's getting harder every single day.

The only hope I have is to keep going which is a dark never ending tunnel that never seems to end.

I try to keep my sanity the way it should be but it gets on my nerves when one mistake in life which I even didn't commit, I have to pay for it every single day. The best part is that I will have to keep paying for it until I die.

All I Have is a Rejection

Endlessly tiring rejections break me down. I don't have the degree from that great institution and yes I may not be that brainy, but with all the power of  my puny brain, I may build out something of importance.

I have heard a lot of "iske bas ki kuch nahi hai" and still hear it, especially from people who were once close to me, every failure draws me to the belief that they were in fact true.  

Endlessly tiring rejections, getting refused straight on the face without reasons, going from the room by room patiently, I wait for you like a stone only to be thrown away one day.

Die the Hard Way

Making up my mind about one thing, I get bogged down by ten others. The problems you can see by looking deep into my eyes. I try hiding behind the curtains or sometimes behind the closed doors, wishing that they never open up.

They say everything happens as written in your destiny. I hear this all the time, incessantly, "Sorry my friend, your destiny is written with cacti, a lot of them."

I don't even fee the thorns now. Maybe they pierced deep within my soul (If I have one). Many personalities I embraced during my not so important life, I embrace the pain of failure that it carries along with it.          

Curse in disguise, walking in the haunted world with the honest ghosts of my own past, waiting for the death to finally strike me.  I am that failure that can never succeed, the disease that can never heal.  

Heading towards a dead end, all I can say is, BRING IT ON!

2 comments:

  1. Life is quite bizarre for most people. We have to convert stones into roses, as you have said it. Good post.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks @Tomichan for taking out time to read my post. True, but sometimes you are too tired to convert stones into roses and at that moment, life throws heavy rocks at you!

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